Sis Dolly answers some burning questions
from our readers.
I CAN’T FORGIVE HIM
Question
I’m 30 and I got married this year. My
hubby cheated on me with his neighbour before we got married. I thought I’d
forgiven him but whenever I see this woman I become worried and angry. Is this
normal or am I overreacting? I only agreed to get married because he said he
was no longer seeing her. I don’t think he is, but I still feel bad.
Answer
Your reaction might mean that you were
in denial regarding how you really felt about the infidelity and now you’re
having a delayed reaction. This might have been caused by your feelings at the
time being clouded by the excitement of getting married – nothing was going to
spoil your wedding day – and so you were looking at things through rose-tinted
glasses. The fact that the woman in question lives so close to you was not
something you were even thinking about at the time. But now that you’ve sobered
up from all the excitement, reality has hit home. What needs to happen now is
for you to face up to what took place between your husband and his neighbour.
You need to acknowledge the feelings this evokes in you because that’s the only
way you’ll be able to heal. Going for individual counselling can help you deal
with your feelings and find a way to talk to your husband about it. He can
possibly become part of these sessions when the counsellor thinks you’re ready
and hopefully you’ll get to a point where you can enjoy your marriage.
WILL
SHE TRUST ME AGAIN?
Question
I’m a 41-year-old man living in
Mpumalanga and I’m in love with a dark, beautiful woman. We’ve been together
for five years. I love her so much but the problem is I broke her heart and now
we’ve split up. I can’t move on because I love her too much. I’ve tried many
things to fix this situation but she doesn’t want to resolve the problem.
Please help me because I’m a changed man and I want to propose to her.
Answer
Trust in a relationship is a delicate
matter. Once broken it’s difficult to rebuild, especially for the person who
feels like they were the victim in whatever has transpired. The truth is no
matter how much you try to convince your woman that you’re now a changed man,
it will be very difficult for her to believe you because of her past
experience. She might not even believe that you genuinely want to propose to
her – in her mind you’re only doing it because you feel guilty. Bottom line:
it’s a high mountain to climb for a woman who has been deeply hurt, and she may
not ever be able to see you in the same light again. Her reaction is typical of
someone who was deeply in love – under those circumstances there’s very little
room for disappointment. And now that you’ve hurt her she’s not so willing to
offer up her heart again. Your best bet is to go to a relationship counsellor
who can help you tell your side of the story in a way she’ll be willing to
hear. If that doesn’t work and she’s still not willing to forgive you, you need
to understand that it’s time to move on. Contact Families South Africa on
011-975-7106/7 to book a session with a relationship or counsellor in your
area, or to find a branch near you. Good luck.
WE
HAVE EYE PROBLEMS
Question
I’m 28 years old and live in Soweto.
When I was young I injured my eye and ended up with something called exotropia.
Now my first child seems to be having the same problem and I’m scared to have
any more children because I know how difficult it is to live with this sort of
thing – especially at school. What should I do?
Answer
The condition you’re referring to is
caused by misalignment of the eyes, where one or both eyes turn outward, away
from the nose. It’s the opposite of being crossed-eyed. Your condition was brought
on by injury but if your child has the same thing it might mean there’s
something in your genes. However, exotropia isn’t a disability and can be
treated. You need to take your child to an ophthalmologist for a proper
diagnostic assessment. They’ll be able to determine whether this can be
corrected with vision therapy, eye glasses or surgery. And remember – you’re
actually in a better position to support your child because you have been
through this and can talk to them with real understanding of what they’re
experiencing. Early intervention is the best thing for your child so don’t
waste time – go and get some professional help.
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